AMEN

Leaving a Marital Legacy

 

Will you leave your children a strong marital legacy?

 

Recently a man shared with me this story.  "Before my dad died, he told me he wanted me to have his wedding band.  After his death, when I went to the nursing home, they gave me a bag with Dad's clothes.  At the bottom was a small plastic bag containing his wedding band.

 

Now, that ring is on my dresser and I look at it every morning to remind myself of Dad's faithful marriage to Mom for over 50 years.  I think about all he did for me when I was young and I pray that I will be the kind of husband and father he was."

 

Those words tell of a legacy far more valuable than money and possessions.  Such a legacy is built one day at a time.

Money and Marriage

One of the statistics that has always amazed me is that half of all couples filing for divorce list financial problems as the leading cause of their marriage trouble. From my own experience as a pastor and marriage counselor, I've seen marriage after marriage fail because financial pressures and difficulties turned into more than a husband and wife could handle.

Money has a powerful influence on your marriage, and that's why it's important for both husbands and wives to treat it carefully. This is especially true for husbands. Why? Because even today, in most marriages, the husband is the primary bread-winner. This is why one of the most important areas of security a wife desires from her husband is in the realm of finances.

Even when a woman works outside the home - in addition to her husband - I've found that wives desire the assurance that they will be provided for financially. What does this mean for a husband? It means he needs to communicate that he understands his wife's need for financial security. There are four ways he can do this:

1. By praying for God's blessing and direction. A woman wants to know her husband is praying and seeking God for financial direction and provision. Should financial struggles ever arrive, a wife will be tremendously comforted when her husbands leads her in prayer about this. The old saying is true: "The family who prays together stays together."
2. By being a hard and faithful worker. A wife needs to know her husband is honest, faithful and hard-working. When a man is dishonest, lazy, or changes jobs too often, he violates his wife and makes her insecure. Even if it means foregoing some income or benefits, a husband needs to be careful not to sacrifice his wife's security. This is very important.
3. On the other hand, a husband also needs to seek the best employment possible. Yes, it's important for every family to understand that God is our ultimate provider. But that's not a license for a man to take a lackadaisical approach to his career. A good husband is one who seeks opportunities and is ready - with prayer and good communication with his spouse - to walk through the doors God opens for him.
4. By being a wise money manager. A husband can have the best job in the world and a high salary, but if he can't handle his finances none of that matters. A wife feels secure when her husband is a diligent steward of God's money. This isn't a license to be stingy or unreasonably tight-fisted. Instead, it's an opportunity for wise money management. I'm of the opinion that a husband should take responsibility for managing the money and paying the bills - but he must do so humbly and carefully.

Handling money in your marriage will always be challenging. But take these suggestions seriously and you'll make great strides in overcoming the dangers of finances in marriage.

The Most Important Needs

by Dr. Willard Harley  

When a husband and wife come to me for help, my first goal is to help them identify their most important emotional needs - what each of them can do for each other to make them happiest and most content.   

Over the years, I have repeatedly asked the question, "What could your spouse do for you that would make you the happiest?"   

I've been able to classify most of their responses into ten emotional needs - admiration, affection, conversation, domestic support, family commitment, financial support, honesty and openness, physical attractiveness, recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment.

Obviously the way to keep a husband and wife happily married is for each of them to meet the needs that are most important to the other.  But when I conducted all these interviews I discovered why that is such a difficult assignment.  Nearly every time I asked couples to list their needs according to their top priority, men listed them one way and women the opposite way.   

Of the ten basic emotional needs, the five listed as most important by men were usually the five least important for women, and vice versa.

What an insight!  No wonder husbands and wives have so much difficulty meeting each others needs.   

They are willing to do for each other what they appreciate the most, but it turns out that their efforts are misdirected because what they appreciate most, their spouses appreciate least!

  Based on the book,  His Needs, Her Needs   by Willard Harley. Published by Revell Publishing.

Keeping Romance Alive Part 1

Life has a way of chipping away at our marriages: jobs and job related travel, in-laws, church activities, activities with the kids, conflict and misunderstandings. Most of us run at the speed of light, wake up one day and realize, "Huh. I don’t feel very close to my spouse anymore." The truth is that it happens to the best of us.

Here are a few simple methods I have learned throughout the years to revive romance in a stale marriage.

Start Dating Again

Go out at least once a week. It doesn't have to be an expensive date – just something simple.

A brown bag dinner in the park, a walk around the lake, a cup of cappuccino at a coffee shop or simply putting the kids to bed early and just talking will often do the trick. Or, revisit the things that you did when you were dating, like going to a movie, the theatre or a nice relaxing dinner for two.

After being "pulled apart" by all the pressures of modern life, it is imperative to reconnect each week. If you don't, you won't feel close.

Make Yourself Attractive

Here's the irony: If you make yourself more attractive, your spouse will often become more attractive to you. Quite often, changes that you make in your appearance can precipitate changes in your spouse just as positive actions often breed positive reactions.

Other suggestions:

• Go to the gym together.
• Walk with your spouse three to five times a week.
• Buy new clothes, and throw out those ugly sleep shirts/pajamas.
• Change habits.
• Shave the beard (men only), or change your hairstyle.
• Get new eye glasses, or try contacts.

I'm your Wife not your Mother!

A frequent lament heard from women is, “I’m his wife, not his mother! He should just do it without my asking or reminding.” But women need to understand that we men truly need the wonderful women in our lives to help us with the things that don’t come naturally to us. Expecting us to intuitively be like you just ain’t gonna happen. Men aren’t like that. Wives need to learn how to get their husbands to do things by asking for what they want or need, asking more than once, asking the right way, and using bartering, incentives and a language we understand. We love that stuff and you can get us to do most anything for you. That makes you our helper not our mother. We want you and need you to be our wives and our helpers, just like God intended.

 

When Trying to Change Him Is Hurting You

by Dr. David Hawkins  

 
 

You want to help your man grow - who wouldn't?  And you're trying to remain as supportive and positive as possible.  But when the changes are slow in coming and your patience begins to wear thin, you may wonder, Am I helping the situation at all?  

 

Secret #1: Be Truthful With Yourself

Cindy curled under the covers as she watched Tim prepare for bed.  They had 20 years together, a marriage filled with good times and bad.  Their lives were woven together as high school seethearts.  She lay there trying to remember life before Tim and she had a hard time doing so.  They literally grew up together.

 

She watched as he readied himself for bed.  He had his routine:  flipping on the TV, laying out the next day's work clothes, brushing his teeth, running a comb once through his hair, and slipping into his side of the bed.

 

She tried to think of good things, but her mind continued to replay scenes from another day of feeling devalued, discounted.  She wanted to cuddle.  He wanted to watch Sports Center.  Earlier, she tried to tell him her ideas for remodeling the family room.  He complained that she didn't understand how complicated such a job could be.  As usual, he treated her opinions like they were the romantic notions of a naive child.

 

Tim fell asleep within minutes of his head hitting the pillow.  Cindy lay awake next to him, wondering how he could sleep while she struggled to understand their relationship.  Sometimes she wished he would suffer the way she suffered.  She was amazed that he did not see how unhappy she was.  She felt a great deal of tenderness for Tim, but at times like this she wondered if she'd made a mistake in marrying him.  She had a hard time sorting out her anger from her affection.  Even now, as angry as she was, she would gladly take him into her arms if he were to awaken and reach out to her.  But Tim didn't stir.  He slept peacefully as if nothing in the world was wrong with their marriage and their lives.

 

That is exactly what he told her a hundred times or more.  Despite what she knew in her heart to be true,  Cindy had not yet accepted the first secret;

Be utterly honest with yourself about the problems. 

 

If your relationship feels that bad, it usually is that bad.  Instead of confronting the problem head-on, Cindy found herself wondering if Tim was right.

 

FOLLOW THE CLUES

 

 

I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples. JOHN 13:34-35

 

WHAT DOES YOUR SPOUSE most often request of you?

 

You may have interpreted these requests as nagging, but in fact, your spouse has been telling you what makes him or her feel loved.

As we see from the verse above, Jesus instructed his disciples to love each other as he had loved them. How does God love us? Perfectly and with complete understanding.

He knows us, and he knows how we can experience his love. We can never love perfectly this side of heaven, of course. But discovering the love language of your spouse is an important step in the right direction.

 

Pray this prayer today:

Lord, thank you for knowing me perfectly and loving me perfectly. Help me to think carefully about what my spouse most often asks of me. Give me the wisdom to interpret that correctly so I can communicate love better to him or her.

5 Steps to Building Your Christian Marriage

Here is the second step to building your Christian Marriage

Step 2 - Read Together:

Set aside time each day, or at least once a week, to read the Bible together.

This might also be described as a time of devotions. Start by setting aside time each weekday morning to read the Bible and pray together -- a couple's devotional time.  Read to each other, either from the Bible or from a devotional book, and then  spend a few minutes in prayer together.

Try to commit to rising from sleep about 30 minutes earlier in order to do this, it can be a wonderful, intimate time of strengthening your marriage.

5 Steps to Building Your Christian Marriage

Here is the first post in the five steps to building your Christian Marriage.

Step 1 - Pray Together:

Set aside time each day to pray with your spouse.

My wife and I have found that first thing in the morning is the best time for us. We ask God to fill us with His Holy Spirt and give us strength for the day ahead. It brings us closer together as we care for each other every day. We think about what the day ahead holds for our partner. Our loving affection goes beyond the physical realm to the emotional and spiritual realm. This develops true intimacy with each other and with God. Perhaps a better time for you as a couple might be just before you go to bed each night. It's impossible to fall asleep angry when you've just held hands together in God's presence.

 

Don't Miss Christmas

It was just a knock at the door. The frazzled innkeeper in Bethlehem wasn't prepared. He had no advance warning. He had no idea this was going to be the most momentous night in all of human history.

For a few minutes, potential blessing and joy stood right there at his threshold. Christmas came right to his doorstep that night, and he missed it.

Why? Because he was too busy.

The innkeeper might have been the first, but he certainly wouldn't be the last person to miss an event of deep and lasting importance because something "urgent" got in the way.

Married couples can miss Christmas, too. I hear about it all the time—"It seems like the holidays just passed us by," they say—and that's why today, as we approach Dec. 25, I want to bring it to your attention.

Life can be hectic throughout the year. It takes a conscientious effort to prioritize our lives, even without the shopping, activities, and other preparations the holidays add. It's easy to become overwhelmed. We give our attention to the wrong things. We forget what's important.

But consider the shepherds and the wise men, two other participants in the Christmas story. What a contrast! The shepherds were uneducated, rustic laborers from the lowest rung of society. The wise men were educated elites. But both groups were key players in the story of Christ's birth. Why?

The answer is simple: It's because the shepherds and wise men were seeking God. The shepherds were out in the field when the angel appeared. They saw and heard the angelic proclamations, and once the heavenly host had departed, were quick to act on what the Lord had made known to them.

The shepherds were also seeking God. With a sense of anticipation, they followed the "star in the East" in hopes that they might worship the newborn King of the Jews (Matt. 2:2).

The shepherds listened to God's instructions and were quick to obey. The wise men were filled with hope, anticipation, and a desire to worship. Neither group let their duties or responsibilities prevent them from experiencing the glory of God.

They weren't mindlessly going through the motions but stayed in tune to the Spirit of God. They took time to establish a relationship with Him. They searched for Him. They listened. They obeyed. And because of that, they met the Savior of the world.

Don't miss Christmas this year—not as an individual, not as a couple, and not as a family. Decide now to make Christ a priority. Choose to seek Him this year, and refuse to let obligations and urgency get in the way.

There's a great blessing waiting on your doorstep this Christmas. It's Jesus, Christ the king! Don't let anything keep you from inviting Him in.