AMEN

I'm your Wife not your Mother!

A frequent lament heard from women is, “I’m his wife, not his mother! He should just do it without my asking or reminding.” But women need to understand that we men truly need the wonderful women in our lives to help us with the things that don’t come naturally to us. Expecting us to intuitively be like you just ain’t gonna happen. Men aren’t like that. Wives need to learn how to get their husbands to do things by asking for what they want or need, asking more than once, asking the right way, and using bartering, incentives and a language we understand. We love that stuff and you can get us to do most anything for you. That makes you our helper not our mother. We want you and need you to be our wives and our helpers, just like God intended.

 

When Trying to Change Him Is Hurting You

by Dr. David Hawkins  

 
 

You want to help your man grow - who wouldn't?  And you're trying to remain as supportive and positive as possible.  But when the changes are slow in coming and your patience begins to wear thin, you may wonder, Am I helping the situation at all?  

 

Secret #1: Be Truthful With Yourself

Cindy curled under the covers as she watched Tim prepare for bed.  They had 20 years together, a marriage filled with good times and bad.  Their lives were woven together as high school seethearts.  She lay there trying to remember life before Tim and she had a hard time doing so.  They literally grew up together.

 

She watched as he readied himself for bed.  He had his routine:  flipping on the TV, laying out the next day's work clothes, brushing his teeth, running a comb once through his hair, and slipping into his side of the bed.

 

She tried to think of good things, but her mind continued to replay scenes from another day of feeling devalued, discounted.  She wanted to cuddle.  He wanted to watch Sports Center.  Earlier, she tried to tell him her ideas for remodeling the family room.  He complained that she didn't understand how complicated such a job could be.  As usual, he treated her opinions like they were the romantic notions of a naive child.

 

Tim fell asleep within minutes of his head hitting the pillow.  Cindy lay awake next to him, wondering how he could sleep while she struggled to understand their relationship.  Sometimes she wished he would suffer the way she suffered.  She was amazed that he did not see how unhappy she was.  She felt a great deal of tenderness for Tim, but at times like this she wondered if she'd made a mistake in marrying him.  She had a hard time sorting out her anger from her affection.  Even now, as angry as she was, she would gladly take him into her arms if he were to awaken and reach out to her.  But Tim didn't stir.  He slept peacefully as if nothing in the world was wrong with their marriage and their lives.

 

That is exactly what he told her a hundred times or more.  Despite what she knew in her heart to be true,  Cindy had not yet accepted the first secret;

Be utterly honest with yourself about the problems. 

 

If your relationship feels that bad, it usually is that bad.  Instead of confronting the problem head-on, Cindy found herself wondering if Tim was right.

 

The Secret Power of Sweat

Recently I saw another report about how male sweat causes positive responses in women. The latest research was published by the University of California. In testing the effects of male sweat on women they once again recorded positive hormonal changes for the majority of them who were exposed to its smell. This is significant.

First of all, those hormonal changes mean sexual arousal. For all of the men who are looking for a way to rev up their wife's libido — this is it. This is really good news — but there is a twist involved. To produce sweat — you have to exert effort. Jumping in a sauna and collecting sweat in a jar and that you put under your wife's nose probably won't produce the desired result.

The issue is how God has wired women to respond to a sacrificial, servant-hearted man.The issue is how God has wired women to respond to a sacrificial, servant-hearted man. Besides the sweat research, wives who have been polled in studies say that their husbands are more sexually attractive to them when they are doing housework. Men really need to understand the truth of this. Whereas males are sexually wired to respond more to visual stimuli, women respond more to emotional stimuli. Specifically, they are attracted to men who serve them and help around the house.

Another important element of the sweat research has to do with the calming influence male sweat has on women. A study that was conducted at the University of Pennsylvania found that male sweat causes women to relax and feel happy.

To look at the other side of this, without sweat, women tend to be more tense and less happy. I know a lot of men who wonder why their wives are so up tight and "hormonal" in the bad sense. In many cases, it just goes back to the fact that they feel as though they are not being supported and served by their husbands. In other words, they just need to get a whiff of a little sweat around the house and they would calm down and get into a better mood.

In counseling and helping many couples over the years, I have found this to be a universal truth. A wise man will realize that this is a part of the unchangeable nature God has wired into women. Science is just now revealing how profound this truth really is.

Allow Your Husband to Fail

Here is a great article by Jimmy Evans;

Wives who are married to a normal, healthy man, should know their husband's number-one need is honor. It's the key to every man's heart. One of the secrets to giving a husband honor is to allow him to fail.

Unless he's engaging in self-destructive behavior, sometimes it's good for a man to make mistakes—and every man is going to mess up from time to time.

			Honor your husband by allowing him to fail, by confronting him in love, and by allowing God to change him.

My wife, Karen, is wonderful and we have a great marriage, but she's a totally different person when she gets in the car. She's the most demonstrative driver and passenger I have ever met. She calls people names—"Mister," "Lady," etc.—and those are just the nice ones. She just cannot drive without getting upset with people.

And it's not just toward other drivers, either. She gets offended at my driving, too. When I am driving, it's just a constant narration of what I'm doing wrong.

We have learned over the years that the "Las Vegas" rule applies to time spent in the car—whatever happens in the car, stays in the car.

We've learned to deal with it, but early in our marriage it caused a lot of trouble. We’re not alone. Once I heard Joyce Meyer talking about how she used to nag her husband, Dave, when they were in the car. But then she was sitting at a stoplight and the Holy Spirit said to her "Why can you not shut up?"

It's funny, but true. Sometimes wives just can't shut up when it comes to nagging. Women, sometimes you have to let your husband do some things wrong. Let him do some things you don't agree with. Let him fail without shaming and nagging.

Any woman can honor a perfect man. The trick is honoring one who is imperfect.

Another way to honor your husband is to confront him in love when he's doing something wrong, but let God be the enforcer. As equals, you have the right to tell your husband anything you want to tell him. But once you tell him, you can't just continue to nag and browbeat him and make his life miserable until he does it your way.

Once you've said your piece, you need to let God to enforce it. Pray, "God, change his heart." And you and the Holy Spirit become partners. The result is that you never have to make your husband feel bad. You don't have to punish him. The Holy Spirit changes him.

And there's always the possibility that you are wrong and your husband is right. If you are wrong and you pray about it, then God will change your heart—and you won't end up damaging the marriage.

Honor your husband by allowing him to fail, by confronting him in love, and by allowing God to change him.

A Man's Greatest Need In Life

By Jimmy Evans,

If you are married to a normal, healthy man, his greatest need in life is honor and esteem.

Men and women are equals—the Bible says we should serve one another— but one way a wife can serve her husband is by living out Ephesians 5:22. It says "Wives submit to your husbands as to the Lord."

			Honor and respect are like oxygen to a man. He gravitates toward it. He is invigorated by it.

Submitting to your husband means honoring him. Honor and respect are like oxygen to a man. He gravitates toward it. He is invigorated by it.

Likewise, he'll move away from a place where he doesn’t receive honor. Too many of the failing marriages I’ve seen have been rooted in a wife’s inability to honor her husband. That’s not the only reason marriages fail, of course, but it’s a common thread.

Honor is the key to a man’s heart. By requiring wives to serve their husbands, God is giving them the keys to their husband’s hearts.

One important way to honor your husband is by focusing on his strengths and not his faults.

I’ve heard it said before that the devil is the "accuser of the brethren." There are five ways Satan accuses us. He is always accusing me to God, God to me, me to myself, me to you, and you to me.

Why? Because he hates relationships, and he wants to destroy those five important human relationships.

Any relationship you have with anyone will find itself under accusation from the devil for the purpose of dividing that relationship. This is especially the case with marriage.

To be happily married, both the husband and the wife have to learn to take their thoughts captive because the devil is always accusing you to each other.

Psalm 149:6-7 is an interesting scripture. It says "May the praise of God be in their mouths and a double-edged sword in their hands" to inflict vengeance upon the enemy. Praise is a weapon against the devil.

As Christians, we know the importance of praising God. But do we also realize the power that praise has in our earthly relationships? I defy you to praise your spouse all day long and still have angry or annoyed feelings about him.

Praise is a discipline that reminds us of what is right with each other and why we fell in love with each other.

Praise also leads to a positive outcome. As a husband, if you call your wife "gorgeous" multiple times a day, there will be a payoff. As a wife, if you tell your husband how handsome he is and that you're proud of him, he'll respond to it.

In other words, he may be doing ten things wrong and only two or three things right. But if you focus on the few things he’s doing right, you’ll be surprised at the result.

Submit to your husband "as to the Lord" by showing him honor. Honor him by focusing on what he’s doing right. By doing so, you’ll be meeting his number-one need.

Respect Is a Man's Deepest Value

by Emerson Eggerichs

 

 

I sometimes get the question, "You say women need love and men need respect. Isn't the opposite just as true? Don't women need respect and guys need love?" My answer is, of course, women need respect and guys need love, but I'm talking about the primary drive in each sex. In one national study, four hundred men were given a choice between going through two different negative experiences. If they were forced to choose one of the following, which would they prefer to endure?

 

a) to be left alone and unloved in the world
b) to feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone

 

Seventy-four percent of these men said that if they were forced to choose, they would prefer being alone and unloved in a world. 

 

For these men, the greater negative experience for their souls to endure would be to feel inadequate and disrespected by everyone. I have had numerous men confirm this research by telling me, "I would rather live with a wife who respected me but did not love me than live with a wife who loved me but did not respect me."

 

These men are not saying they are indifferent to love. They know they need love, but they need to feel respected even more than to feel loved. Perhaps a good analogy is water and food. We need both to survive, but we can live longer without food than without water. For men, love is like food and respect is like water. Enough said! Respect is the key to motivating a husband.

Content for this article comes entirely from the book Love and Respect by Emerson Eggerichs. Published by Integrity Publishing.

Viewing Your Husband in a New Light

After the wedding, it's common to view your spouse in a new, perhaps disappointing light. Here's what you can do about it.

by Glenn Lutjens

It's also true that in many ways your husband hasn't changed, but you now view him differently. There are three reasons for that.

1. Time. The longer you're married, the more time you have to observe your spouse's behavior. You see things that weren't as noticeable back then.

2. Distance. You now see him up close. There's no end to the date, no "See you next week." The artificial nature of dating keeps many behaviors concealed. You currently see him when he's hungry and tired. Women may have their "time of month," but men have their "time of day." When his stomach is empty you may see a whole new side of your man you never knew existed.

3. Desire. You viewed your husband during courtship as you wanted to see him. We tend to construct a person in our minds to match the excitement we want to feel. We mentally create that person in a way that will make us happiest.

So the question becomes, "What do I do now that I've found out he's different from the way I thought he was?"

Debating whether he misrepresented himself or you misread him won't solve anything. Here are three actions you can take.

1. Choose to love him. We're told in Ephesians 5:32 that marriage reflects the relationship between Christ and the church. There are inadequacies in the church, yet Christ still loves her.

2. Look at how you may have changed as well. Jesus warns in Matthew 7:1-2 that the yardstick we use to judge others will be used to measure us, too.

3. Realize that you may have legitimate concerns. Voice them to your husband in a constructive way with the hope that he'll be willing to work toward change — or at least understand your concerns.

From Focus on the Family's Complete Guide to the First Five Years of Marriage, published by Tyndale. Copyright © 2006, Focus on the Family. All rights reserved. International copyright secured