AMEN

The Most Important Needs

by Dr. Willard Harley  

When a husband and wife come to me for help, my first goal is to help them identify their most important emotional needs - what each of them can do for each other to make them happiest and most content.   

Over the years, I have repeatedly asked the question, "What could your spouse do for you that would make you the happiest?"   

I've been able to classify most of their responses into ten emotional needs - admiration, affection, conversation, domestic support, family commitment, financial support, honesty and openness, physical attractiveness, recreational companionship, and sexual fulfillment.

Obviously the way to keep a husband and wife happily married is for each of them to meet the needs that are most important to the other.  But when I conducted all these interviews I discovered why that is such a difficult assignment.  Nearly every time I asked couples to list their needs according to their top priority, men listed them one way and women the opposite way.   

Of the ten basic emotional needs, the five listed as most important by men were usually the five least important for women, and vice versa.

What an insight!  No wonder husbands and wives have so much difficulty meeting each others needs.   

They are willing to do for each other what they appreciate the most, but it turns out that their efforts are misdirected because what they appreciate most, their spouses appreciate least!

  Based on the book,  His Needs, Her Needs   by Willard Harley. Published by Revell Publishing.

Keeping Romance Alive Part 1

Life has a way of chipping away at our marriages: jobs and job related travel, in-laws, church activities, activities with the kids, conflict and misunderstandings. Most of us run at the speed of light, wake up one day and realize, "Huh. I don’t feel very close to my spouse anymore." The truth is that it happens to the best of us.

Here are a few simple methods I have learned throughout the years to revive romance in a stale marriage.

Start Dating Again

Go out at least once a week. It doesn't have to be an expensive date – just something simple.

A brown bag dinner in the park, a walk around the lake, a cup of cappuccino at a coffee shop or simply putting the kids to bed early and just talking will often do the trick. Or, revisit the things that you did when you were dating, like going to a movie, the theatre or a nice relaxing dinner for two.

After being "pulled apart" by all the pressures of modern life, it is imperative to reconnect each week. If you don't, you won't feel close.

Make Yourself Attractive

Here's the irony: If you make yourself more attractive, your spouse will often become more attractive to you. Quite often, changes that you make in your appearance can precipitate changes in your spouse just as positive actions often breed positive reactions.

Other suggestions:

• Go to the gym together.
• Walk with your spouse three to five times a week.
• Buy new clothes, and throw out those ugly sleep shirts/pajamas.
• Change habits.
• Shave the beard (men only), or change your hairstyle.
• Get new eye glasses, or try contacts.

FOLLOW THE CLUES

 

 

I am giving you a new commandment: Love each other. Just as I have loved you, you should love each other. Your love for one another will prove to the world that you are my disciples. JOHN 13:34-35

 

WHAT DOES YOUR SPOUSE most often request of you?

 

You may have interpreted these requests as nagging, but in fact, your spouse has been telling you what makes him or her feel loved.

As we see from the verse above, Jesus instructed his disciples to love each other as he had loved them. How does God love us? Perfectly and with complete understanding.

He knows us, and he knows how we can experience his love. We can never love perfectly this side of heaven, of course. But discovering the love language of your spouse is an important step in the right direction.

 

Pray this prayer today:

Lord, thank you for knowing me perfectly and loving me perfectly. Help me to think carefully about what my spouse most often asks of me. Give me the wisdom to interpret that correctly so I can communicate love better to him or her.

5 Steps to Building Your Christian Marriage

Here is the second step to building your Christian Marriage

Step 2 - Read Together:

Set aside time each day, or at least once a week, to read the Bible together.

This might also be described as a time of devotions. Start by setting aside time each weekday morning to read the Bible and pray together -- a couple's devotional time.  Read to each other, either from the Bible or from a devotional book, and then  spend a few minutes in prayer together.

Try to commit to rising from sleep about 30 minutes earlier in order to do this, it can be a wonderful, intimate time of strengthening your marriage.

5 Steps to Building Your Christian Marriage

Here is the first post in the five steps to building your Christian Marriage.

Step 1 - Pray Together:

Set aside time each day to pray with your spouse.

My wife and I have found that first thing in the morning is the best time for us. We ask God to fill us with His Holy Spirt and give us strength for the day ahead. It brings us closer together as we care for each other every day. We think about what the day ahead holds for our partner. Our loving affection goes beyond the physical realm to the emotional and spiritual realm. This develops true intimacy with each other and with God. Perhaps a better time for you as a couple might be just before you go to bed each night. It's impossible to fall asleep angry when you've just held hands together in God's presence.

 

Don't Miss Christmas

It was just a knock at the door. The frazzled innkeeper in Bethlehem wasn't prepared. He had no advance warning. He had no idea this was going to be the most momentous night in all of human history.

For a few minutes, potential blessing and joy stood right there at his threshold. Christmas came right to his doorstep that night, and he missed it.

Why? Because he was too busy.

The innkeeper might have been the first, but he certainly wouldn't be the last person to miss an event of deep and lasting importance because something "urgent" got in the way.

Married couples can miss Christmas, too. I hear about it all the time—"It seems like the holidays just passed us by," they say—and that's why today, as we approach Dec. 25, I want to bring it to your attention.

Life can be hectic throughout the year. It takes a conscientious effort to prioritize our lives, even without the shopping, activities, and other preparations the holidays add. It's easy to become overwhelmed. We give our attention to the wrong things. We forget what's important.

But consider the shepherds and the wise men, two other participants in the Christmas story. What a contrast! The shepherds were uneducated, rustic laborers from the lowest rung of society. The wise men were educated elites. But both groups were key players in the story of Christ's birth. Why?

The answer is simple: It's because the shepherds and wise men were seeking God. The shepherds were out in the field when the angel appeared. They saw and heard the angelic proclamations, and once the heavenly host had departed, were quick to act on what the Lord had made known to them.

The shepherds were also seeking God. With a sense of anticipation, they followed the "star in the East" in hopes that they might worship the newborn King of the Jews (Matt. 2:2).

The shepherds listened to God's instructions and were quick to obey. The wise men were filled with hope, anticipation, and a desire to worship. Neither group let their duties or responsibilities prevent them from experiencing the glory of God.

They weren't mindlessly going through the motions but stayed in tune to the Spirit of God. They took time to establish a relationship with Him. They searched for Him. They listened. They obeyed. And because of that, they met the Savior of the world.

Don't miss Christmas this year—not as an individual, not as a couple, and not as a family. Decide now to make Christ a priority. Choose to seek Him this year, and refuse to let obligations and urgency get in the way.

There's a great blessing waiting on your doorstep this Christmas. It's Jesus, Christ the king! Don't let anything keep you from inviting Him in.

Listening at Christmastime

When two people are talking at the same time, no one is listening.  Consequently, there is no communication.  For conversation to be meaningful it requires talking and listening.  How hard can that be?  Yet, 87 % of those who divorce say their main problem was that they could not communicate. 

 

Listening begins with an attitude.  If I choose to believe that every person I encounter is made in God's image; that their thoughts and feelings are important, then I am prepared to listen.  If I think that the world revolves around me; that my ideas are all that counts, then why should I listen to anyone else?  Many couples don't have a communication problem, they have an attitude problem. 

 

If you want to have a healthy marriage, you must learn to listen.  Listening leads to understanding.  Once I understand what my spouse is thinking and feeling, I can have a meaningful response.  When I speak before I listen, I'm simply throwing words into the wind. 

 

May I give you a practical suggestion for this Christmas week? 

 

When your spouse begins talking, about anything, imagine yourself having huge elephant ears.  Have you heard the expression, "I'm all ears"?  That's what I'm talking about.  Don't think about how you are going to respond.  Focus on making sure you understand the thoughts and feelings of your spouse.  Then, when it's your turn to talk, your spouse can put on the elephant ears.

PRAYING TOGETHER

[Jesus said,] “For where two or three gather together as my followers, l am there among them.”

MATTHEW 18:20

MANY COUPLES find it difficult to pray together. Why? One reason may be that they are not treating each other With love and respect, and that stands as a barrier between them. The answer to this problem is confession and repentance. First John 1:9 says, ”If we confess our sins to him, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins:’ It is a sin to fail to love your spouse, or to fail to treat him or her with kindness and respect. Such sin needs to be confessed and forgiven; then you will be able to pray together.

A second reason couples are unable to pray together may be that one or both of them have never learned to pray with another person. To many people, prayer is private. While you should pray in private for your spouse, you should also pray with your spouse. After all, Jesus told his disciples that if even two or three of them were gathered together, he would be present among them. That’s a powerful statement and a great testimony to praying together as a couple.

An easy way to get started is with silent prayer. It works like this: You hold hands, close your eyes, then pray silently. When you have finished praying, you say, “Amen,” and then wait until your spouse says, “Amen’ Praying silently while holding hands is one way of praying together, and it will enhance your marriage.

 

Father, I m grateful for your promise to be present with us when we pray together. Sometimes that feels awkward or difficult, but please help us to commit to praying together as a couple. I know it’s important for us spiritually and emotionally, in Jesus name, Amen.

What If My Spouse Does Not Want to Improve?

 

By Dr. Gary Chapman

If you really try to improve your marriage and your spouse refuses to respond, where does that leave you?

It leaves you with your hand in God's hand. That is not a bad position.

You will be free from the guilt of past failures, because you have confessed your wrong to God and to your spouse. You will have the satisfaction of having sought reconciliation. Your relationship with God will be vital and growing.

God will not hold you responsible for the decisions of your spouse. You are only responsible for your own attitudes and behavior.

If your spouse will not reconicile, do not think that God's purposes for you are over. God has gifted you and called you to serve in His family. He wants to use your life for positive purposes, and He wants to meet all of your needs (Phil.4:19).

God will lead you through the valley of despair to the mountain of joy. The highest goal in life is to follow God's leadership daily.

Keep open to reconciliation, and never underestimate the power of a godly life.

I want a Divorce

Here is a touching story that will make you think about what commitment means in a marriage.
When I got home that night as my wife served dinner, I held her hand and said, I've got something to tell you. She sat down and ate quietly. Again I observed the hurt in her eyes.

Suddenly I didn't know how to open my mouth. But I had to let her know what I was thinking. I want a divorce. I raised the topic calmly.

She didn't seem to be annoyed by my words, instead she asked me softly, why?

I avoided her question. This made her angry. She threw away the chopsticks and shouted at me, you are not a man! That night, we didn't talk to each other. She was weeping. I knew she wanted to find out what had happened to our marriage. But I could hardly give her a satisfactory answer; she had lost my heart to Jane. I didn't love her anymore. I just pitied her!

With a deep sense of guilt, I drafted a divorce agreement which stated that she could own our house, our car, and 30% stake of my company.

She glanced at it and then tore it into pieces. The woman who had spent ten years of her life with me had become a stranger. I felt sorry for her wasted time, resources and energy but I could not take back what I had said for I loved Jane so dearly. Finally she cried loudly in front of me, which was what I had expected to see. To me her cry was actually a kind of release. The idea of divorce which had obsessed me for several weeks seemed to be firmer and clearer now.

The next day, I came back home very late and found her writing something at the table. I didn't have supper but went straight to sleep and fell asleep very fast because I was tired after an eventful day with Jane.

When I woke up, she was still there at the table writing. I just did not care so I turned over and was asleep again.

In the morning she presented her divorce conditions: she didn't want anything from me, but needed a month's notice before the divorce. She requested that in that one month we both struggle to live as normal a life as possible. Her reasons were simple: our son had his exams in a month's time and she didn't want to disrupt him with our broken marriage.

This was agreeable to me. But she had something more, she asked me to recall how I had carried her into out bridal room on our wedding day.

She requested that every day for the month's duration I carry her out of our bedroom to the front door ever morning. I thought she was going crazy. Just to make our last days together bearable I accepted her odd request.

I told Jane about my wife's divorce conditions. . She laughed loudly and thought it was absurd. No matter what tricks she applies, she has to face the divorce, she said scornfully.

My wife and I hadn't had any body contact since my divorce intention was explicitly expressed. So when I carried her out on the first day, we both appeared clumsy. Our son clapped behind us, daddy is holding mommy in his arms. His words brought me a sense of pain. From the bedroom to the sitting room, then to the door, I walked over ten meters with her in my arms. She closed her eyes and said softly; don't tell our son about the divorce. I nodded, feeling somewhat upset. I put her down outside
the door. She went to wait for the bus to work. I drove alone to the office.

On the second day, both of us acted much more easily. She leaned on my chest. I could smell the fragrance of her blouse. I realized that I hadn't looked at this woman carefully for a long time. I realized she was not young any more. There were fine wrinkles on her face, her hair was graying! Our marriage had taken its toll on her. For a minute I wondered what I had done to her.

On the fourth day, when I lifted her up, I felt a sense of intimacy returning. This was the woman who had given ten years of her life to me.

On the fifth and sixth day, I realized that our sense of intimacy was growing again. I didn't tell Jane about this. It became easier to carry her as the month slipped by. Perhaps the everyday workout made me stronger.

She was choosing what to wear one morning. She tried on quite a few dresses but could not find a suitable one. Then she sighed, all my dresses have grown bigger. I suddenly realized that she had grown so thin, that was the reason why I could carry her more easily.

Suddenly it hit me... she had buried so much pain and bitterness in her heart. Subconsciously I reached out and touched her head.

Our son came in at the moment and said, Dad, it's time to carry mom out. To him, seeing his father carrying his mother out had become an essential part of his life. My wife gestured to our son to come closer and hugged him tightly. I turned my face away because I was afraid I might change my mind at this last minute. I then held her in my arms, walking from the bedroom, through the sitting room, to the hallway. Her hand surrounded my neck softly and naturally. I held her body tightly; it was just like our wedding day.

But her much lighter weight made me sad. On the last day, when I held her in my arms I could hardly move a step. Our son had gone to school. I held her tightly and said, I hadn't noticed that our life lacked intimacy.

I drove to office.... jumped out of the car swiftly without locking the door. I was afraid any delay would make me change my mind...I walked upstairs. Jane opened the door and I said to her, Sorry, Jane, I do not want the divorce anymore.

She looked at me, astonished, and then touched my forehead. Do you have a fever? She said. I moved her hand off my head. Sorry, Jane, I said, I won't divorce. My marriage life was boring probably because she and I didn't value the details of our lives, not because we didn't love each other anymore. Now I realize that since I carried her into my home on our wedding day I am supposed to hold her until death do us apart.

Jane seemed to suddenly wake up. She gave me a loud slap and then slammed the door and burst into tears. I walked downstairs and drove away.

At the floral shop on the way, I ordered a bouquet of flowers for my wife. The salesgirl asked me what to write on the card. I smiled and wrote, I'll carry you out every morning until death do us apart.

That evening I arrived home, flowers in my hands, a smile on my face, I run up stairs, only to find my wife in the bed - dead.
My wife had been fighting CANCER for months and I was so busy with Jane to even notice. She knew that she would die soon and she wanted to save me from the whatever negative reaction from our son, in case we push thru with the divorce.-- At least, in the eyes of our son--- I'm a loving husband....

The small details of your lives are what really matter in a relationship. It is not the mansion, the car, property, the money in the bank. These create an environment conducive for happiness but cannot give happiness in themselves. So find time to be your spouse's friend and do those little things for each other that build intimacy. Do have a real happy marriage!

If you don't share this, nothing will happen to you.

If you do, you just might save a marriage.
Many of life's failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.

A SPIRITUAL-CENTERED MARRIAGE IS A MARRIAGE THAT IS SURE TO LAST A LIFETIME.

So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate. Matthew 19:6